April Fools! Enjoy
Grant Bachand | Team Member
Over the Edge is able to report that the University of Northern British Columbia has struck a deal with The Walt Disney Company. The deal includes Disney providing 5.5 million dollars in blanket funding to the university. The university, after calculating a potential deficit due to unforeseen expenditures, has decided to strike a deal with Disney to help meet its budgetary needs. Some of the unforeseen expenditures come from the recent strike, the British Columbian state of economic instability, climate change denial, and Obamacare. In particular the merger will address the massive build up of trash on the UNBC campus due to the inability for garbage services to cross the picket line.
This build up of trash has caused health concerns around the university; we now will have a full HAZMAT team clean up the university over the summer break. The university has requested that those on campus please ignore the rats roaming the halls in the meantime.
Funding for this has come from the Disney Company. However this funding does come with some minor changes to the university. Over the Edge can now comment that the following changes are now coming to UNBC as of September 2015:
× Instead of the Timberwolf, UNBC’s new mascot will now be Goofy. Disney is going for a more kid friendly canine.
× School chants will now be replaced with “Let it Go”. The movie version–not that other one that nobody listens to.
× The basement is not being repurposed to an evil dungeon, where the UNBC arch villain can hang out and come up with evil plans to overthrow the administration and rule the school. Absolutely not.
× On nights with school balls (there will me many), if you lose your footwear before midnight you will now have access to a complimentary shoe return service.
× Apple products will now be prohibited due to fear of too many people falling asleep in class.
× The T-Wolves basketball team will now be coached by a short man with goat legs. We are being told it is a satyr.
× Everything the light touches is now part of the university’s kingdom.
× Security will now have new department heads. Their names are Pain and Panic. Reports have come in that they aren’t very effective at their job.
× All mirrors will now be replaced by one mirror in the Winter Garden. To use it, you must first ask it who is the fairest in all the land. Note of warning: the university will not be responsible for the answer it gives you.
× A new captain, by name of Ursula, will now run the Acapella Club. She has commented that she is most looking forward to “getting to meet all these people with their amazing voices.”
× A new administrative position is being created: Vice President of School Fashion. VP Deville is expecting to implement a number of changes, starting in September of 2015. On an unrelated note, PETA has recently opened an office up at UNBC.
These changes have forced current President Daniel Weeks to leave UNBC; upon his departure, he has placed the UNBC sword in the one of the stones outside in the Agora’s stairs. When he left, he said anyone who can pull it from the stone will be the new president. No further word on the status of that development, but rumors are that there is a boy in the cafeteria who is being coached by an old man with a beard to try to get it out.
Over the Edge will keep you updated on any new developments in this merger.