Marshall Spinney | Contributor
In a new controversial study, researchers from the Cyprus University of Science surveyed almost 2000 gay men to determine the evolutionary origins of heterosexuality. The study argues that male attraction to women developed because of the potentially damaging effect a fully gay population may have on humanity as a species.
“It is a well known fact that modern cultural constructs and systems have existed forever and always,” lead researcher Dr. Adalon told Over The Edge. “We evolved as a species to be venomously oppressive towards fun and beautiful things, such as two cute boys totally making out. Without this clearly biological adaptation, no man would ever want to touch gross woman bodies.”
Adalon went on to say that his study revealed that in order to reproduce, at least some men must have sex with some women.
“It is an unfortunate side effect of having a cruel and angry God as a creator,” Adalon concluded. “One day we will fly our rocket ships into space and kill the bastard, but until then we must continue to put our dongs into icky vaginas”
The CUoS findings were released at the same time as the University of Nicosia’s study exploring the evolutionary origins of lesbianism. The equally controversial research claimed that same-sex attractions in women stemmed from male desire, or as Dr. Adalon concludes; women’s perceptions of male desire.
While he maintains that all men think girls are grotty and would rather hold the sturdy hand of a fellow man, Adalon supports his colleague’s findings, stating that he recalls reading a paper about how Homo Erectus women would often make-out with each other while their husbands butchered mastodons, in order to make all the boys jelly.
When questioned on how a clearly culturally constructed bias towards heterosexuality could be construed as a product of biological evolution Dr. Adalon laughed:
“Our brains evolved in such a way so that humans could create culture. All culture, therefore, is a product of evolution. Hell, the way we touch, taste and see the universe is biological. That wall? Its biological. The pathways in your body and brain allow you to touch and see it’s surface. It doesn’t really exist outside of your own mind. That sandwich? Yup, your brain creates its shape and taste. We are all just Boltzman Brains floating in space with our memories and perceptions created in this instance, and in that very same instance we will cease to exist. Nothing is real, everything is a lie and we are all figments of our imagination.”