April Fools, Enjoy!
Jesmeen Duo | Team Member
PRINCE GEORGE, BC- When a 51 year old woman from Prince George began using one weird old tip to improve her skin, she began to get an uncalled-for response from experts in the scientific community.
“The dermatologists have it out for me,” the woman, who asked to remain anonymous, told sources. “Back in the day, I couldn’t even pick up my mail without getting at least one letter spelling out how much they hate me with cut-out magazine letters.”
When asked what exactly she had done in order to reverse aging in her skin, the woman declined to comment. She said, “I’ve been advised by my lawyer to only sell my trick on Internet ads.”
The skin guru showed us the effects of her anti-aging formula when she disappeared into another room for ten minutes while the reporters pretended not to notice the scraping sounds. She then reappeared and showed how she could pick the layer of dead, transparent skin straight off her face, revealing youthful skin underneath.
While some of our sources excused themselves to upchuck outside, the woman reportedly stated that dermatologists had been swarming around her previous home, demanding answers; when she refused to give up her secret, things took a turn for the worse.
“I began leaving the house in a Kevlar vest,” she confessed. “But the dermatologists bought armor-piercing bullets. They adapted to every defense I built against them. It was then that I realized I had to move.” Dermatologists in the skin guru’s hometown declined to comment to news sources on the allegations of their involvement.
The youthful looking woman has since been brought into witness protection and given a new name and a new home; but even now, she says, she doesn’t feel safe.
“I almost wish I’d never discovered that stupid five dollar wrinkle trick,” she stated, absent-mindedly picking what looked like dried glue off of her face while the interviewer sat by in simultaneous sympathy and disgust. “Sure, I may look 25, but I just retired. I want to live, but I can’t leave my house without looking over my shoulder all the time. I can’t go to the doctor without having a panic attack. And when I got eczema last winter, I didn’t dare go to the dermatologist, and now it’s just gotten worse.” At the end of the interview, the fresh-faced retiree offered to show the aforementioned rash, but our sources reportedly declined.
The woman added that she has to redo the treatment every once in a while, but if one is in a real tight spot and needs a quick wrinkle-fix, she recommends simply putting a five-dollar bag over your head.