For the Love of Sex: Trustworthy, Sexual Life Advice

Pollyanne Marie | Columnist

I started my journey into kink when I was eleven years old…

This is something I realized recently while on a first date with a fellow polyamorous kinkster. The topic of online relationships and our experiences with them had come up, and as my mind wandered back, I remembered my first “Master.” This was not a repressed memory by any means. I had thought back to this time in my life before, but seeing that this experience was kink related had been an interesting realization for me.

After coming home from my date, I messaged one of my kink positive friends and told her of what had come to light. Of course her first reaction was “Master? I think you mean Pedophile…” Fair enough, I can understand why most people would react that way, but to me that wasn’t about who was on the other side of my shitty dial-up MSN conversation, it was about the fantasy that I wanted to play out. I very consciously chose what I was getting myself into and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now years later I find myself living a regular, although discreetly kinky lifestyle. I am polyamorous* and would say that I am currently “out of the closet” in that respect, just not as much when it comes to kink. Most of my friends know how I like to play, but I think it is wise for the safety of myself and my partners to keep these things on the down and low. Unfortunately, not everyone is as sex positive as myself, and we find ourselves in a world where something as simple as spending intimate time with the same gender can not only be cause for ridicule but can even get you killed.

Listening to Dan Savage this week, I was reminded of the concentration camps in Chechnya, where gay men are being tortured and killed for whom they choose to love. Yes, we are very lucky here in our small Northern Canadian town of Prince George, where I frequently come across other pansexual and kink positive people who are happy to kiss and hold my hand in public. I know how lucky I am to have a polyamorous landlord/roommate who is happy to host kink parties in their home.  This makes for a much easier time and eliminates having to sneak around or explain the sounds of rattling chains and screams of ecstasy in the middle of the day.  It has taken work, courage, and practice to come out to people about my lifestyle, but you know it’s true what they say “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!”

So, here I am, opening myself up to you my dear reader, albeit anonymously (for now) to protect the innocent. I have spent many years exploring, understanding and guiding people through the wildness of ethical, honest, kinky, queer love, and would like to take this opportunity to broaden my reach. Do you have a question you would like to ask? There is no judgement here, as I would not be one to, as Brittany Simon says, “ick” another’s “yum.”  

So here you go! Some questions I have recently answered are:

-How do I come out to my monogamous partner as a polyamorous individual?

-How do I know if I have herpes?

-Is there a way for me to ask out someone who I meet in a public space without seeming like a creep?!?

And the question of the day…

What is the importance of pre-care and aftercare when practicing BDSM?

Pre-care: Emotional and physical preparation for play time.

Aftercare: Emotional and physical care after play time.

I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough. I recently went through sub drop (temporary depression or chemical imbalance experienced by the submissive or dominant after participation in some good ol’ fashion BDSM playtime) myself, and it lasted close to eighteen hours. I was shaky, dizzy, and emotionally upset. Luckily, I had a very good play partner who knew how to bring me down properly and was not interested in having me go through it alone. In fact, they let me go home when I said I was okay and picked me up again when I told them that the negative feelings were not subsiding.  A good play partner will go out of their way to make sure you are stable, offering proper pre and aftercare. That goes for Doms (Dominants) and Subs (Submissives). Both are susceptible to a form of emotional and/or physical “drop.” If someone does not offer you these things, or have a discussion with you about a scene beforehand they are either ignorant or just plain selfish.

50 Shades of Grey is old news, but somehow I still hear people talking about how they are looking for their “Christian Grey.” I want to be very clear here, kink is not about abuse. It is not about treating your partner disrespectfully or pushing boundaries without their permission. Even with permission, it is important to use common sense, communication (safewords), and the perception of body language to make sure that the person you are playing with is genuinely enjoying the situation.

A big part of that respect and care comes in the form of pre-care and aftercare. I always try to do a bit of both, and for myself it now comes effortlessly to do so. If you are in a time sensitive situation however, it is possible to do one or the other as long as this has been communicated between partners beforehand. Either of these can be whatever it is that you and your partner negotiate to help you feel good going in and coming out of a scene. If you are in a major time crunch I would suggest putting off a scene until you have time to properly look after yourself and your partner. Driving or operating machinery can be dangerous as the effects of sub and dom drop are very similar to being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

You may find the only major difference between pre and aftercare to be in the timing as the scene can only really be imagined beforehand, and discussed afterwards. Imagining a scene and talking through what both people are hoping to experience, even if that experience is to not know what is going to happen next, can help partners to be mentally and emotionally prepared. These talks can help so much in tending to a partner’s well-being. Knowing that both partners enjoyed the scene, or would maybe like to change something for next time can mean the difference of a weeklong bout of depression for some.

A large part of dom drop can come from feeling as though they have hurt the person they are interacting with. While dom drop is not spoken of as commonly, it is definitely very real and needs to be addressed. A lot of trust is put into a dom to control and keep their submissive safe while acting out whatever play has been agreed upon. This can result in a feeling of self-loathing and/or depression if the dominant feels that their partner has not been honest with them about their enjoyment of a scene or particular action within said scene. This being said, some people prefer space and would rather not kiss or cuddle before or after a scene. This is completely acceptable and is why we emphasize communication between partners first and foremost. Everyone has different needs, likes and dislikes, and the priority here is to make your partner feel safe and respected.

Some of the more common ways of administering care includes cuddling, holding hands, massage, having a shower together, or discussing the scene.  I absolutely love a warm washcloth during aftercare to help feel clean and refreshed and maybe a juice box or piece of chocolate to help stabilize blood sugars.

So remember to communicate before and after, maybe send your partner a text and check up on them to see how they’re doing after a scene. Be respectful of personal needs and remember that the people always come before the relationship!

Until next time,

Keep it kinky and keep it consensual!

~Pollyanne Marie

*Polyamorous: the ability to have more than one intimate, romantic relationship concurrently with the knowledge and consent of all individuals involved.

*Sub drop/dom drop: Temporary depression or chemical imbalance experienced by the submissive or dominant after participation in some good ol’ fashion BDSM playtime.

To leave a comment, email me at askpollyannemarie@gmail.com or ask your own anonymous questions by visiting my blog at pollyannemarie.tumblr.com, where I will be posting answers to these questions and more!