For the Love of Sex: Trustworthy, Ethical, Sexual Life Advice

Pollyanne Marie | Columnist

(Photo Shutterstock)

Last year at this time, I was recovering on my mom’s couch. No, I didn’t have a New Year’s hangover, I was depressed and trying my best not to attempt suicide. I count myself very lucky to have had friends and family who care about me, who went out of their way to keep me safe from myself. I’ve struggled with ups and downs like this for as long as I can remember, especially post break up.
A year later and my mother still holds her breath when she sees it’s me who is calling. In January 2017, this burnout was sparked by a discovery of infidelity. My monogamous, live-in partner had been cheating on me.
I felt the frustration of broken trust in him, and of course in myself for not seeing it sooner. Failed monogamous relationship after relationship weighed on me, its heavy chains attached securely to my self esteem.
I grew up believing what a lot of people do, that the relationship escalator is the way to “happily ever after.” Hell, that “happily ever after” is even a thing. Has anyone else noticed that we’ve been running up a down moving escalator? I did that once when I was a kid and I still remember how much it hurt to fall on those grating metal stairs.
So I went home to my mother. I licked my wounds and for the first time since I was 14 years old, I started taking antidepressants. At first I was pretty stoned and nauseous but after about a week I leveled out and started to feel kind of normal…something I really didn’t have lot of experience in.
Now, a year later and I am on a ferry from Victoria on my way to a BDSM conference in Burnaby, with my Vancouver Daddy! Next weekend I am hitting London, England. Attending LAM (The London Alternative Market) with a young, good looking Sugar Daddy I’ve been chatting with on Seeking Arrangement. We may head off for a weekend in Amsterdam if everything goes well, which I think it will.
I’m planning on hitting Barcelona on my own for a few days and hopefully Paris as well. I also just found out that my favorite Vancouver based band, Peach Pit, is touring and performing in London while I am there. It just keeps getting better and better!
I can see clearly now how much of my pain was coming from the image I had of myself as “not good enough” because I couldn’t hold together a steady monogamous relationship. I couldn’t make them last. When I finally started to let that go and give myself and others the freedom of movement in love, to allow the fist full of sand to open and gently appreciate what remained, I found peace.
Of course it’s a daily practice, and I thank god everyday for my medication but realize that it’s not as easy as just popping a pill for everyone. My dad has been on antidepressants for years and he still struggles. I personally have done a lot of self work along with taking medication. I would never advise it as a first choice or be all end all in recovery. I quit drinking, smoking weed, doing drugs, I’ve meditated and exercised regularly, changed my diet and studied the psychology of what I was going through. I don’t doubt that the combination of all of these things, including seeking professional help quite regularly over the years, and now taking the right medication is what has allowed me to be where I am today.
Looking at myself one year ago in comparison to now is like night and day. I can tell you that the biggest change has surely been my self esteem. I see relationships differently, I see commitment differently, I see love differently! I have found a freedom I didn’t know existed, an allowance and trust in change. I no longer push against the swell. I feel content, centered, living more gracefully in the ebb and flow of what life gives and takes away.
I’ve opened my life to myself to try new things and be proud of who I am and life has come right back with supportive like-minded people.
I hope that this new year brings you love, support and freedom, dear reader. That you feel more self-assured to speak your own truth and to walk away from anyone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Remember, I am always here to cheer you on or chat if you are needing to reach out to someone. As Kimya Dawson sings “Send me an IM I’ll be your friend.”
I’m going to be conducting a few interviews for the next edition. As always I am open for your questions and comments via askpollyannemarie@gmail.com.
Keep it kinky, and keep it consensual.