It begins with a subtle sweat. Soon, a cold chill creeps over your entire body as though you just sank into an ice bath, and yet you simultaneously feel as though your head was submerged in lava. Then the labored breathing starts. It feels as though one hundred sumo wrestlers are practicing squats on your chest. You feel as though the universe is collapsing around you, as though you just found out all over again that Santa is not real. The room starts spinning and you grasp onto the television begging for this not to be happening to you. “Not this! Not now!” you will cry, “Anything but this!” But it is true. No matter how much you beg this is now your reality. Your favorite television series has just ended. Forever.
This fate may seem frightening from a distance, but will unfortunately become an inevitable reality for many fans of AMC’s hit series Breaking Bad when it ends its five season run on September 29. One of AMC’s most popular and prosperous original shows, Breaking Bad tells the story of Walter White, a mild mannered high school science teacher who is diagnosed with lung cancer. Afraid of what will become of his family, consisting of his pregnant wife and teenage son with cerebral palsy, Walt turns to one of his former students, and now drug dealer, Jesse Pinkman, for assistance. Together the duo began to cook meth in order to set aside money for Walt’s family to live off of once he has succumbed to cancer. The storyline follows Walt as he begins to cook not only the best meth in all of New Mexico, but creates a drug empire and becomes one of the most notorious drug lords around, all while evading other territorial drug kingpins, and his obsessive DEA brother in law. In only a few short weeks, Walt’s tumultuous story will come to its final climax and will end forever, leaving fans with a gaping hole in their TV watching chests, and dealing with the horrible fate mentioned above. So in order to avoid this awful sensation of loss caused by Breaking Bad’s exit from your lives, here is a simple plan one can follow to ease the pain of losing it.
1) Obviously, re-watch every single episode ever made from start to finish until you have them so well memorized you can recite any scene at a moment’s notice. This will not only temporarily curb your withdrawal symptoms, but will also prove once and for all that you know the show better than anyone else. (Hey remember that scene where Walt orders his whiskey on the rocks for the first time?)
2) Purchase and wear a Los Pollos Hermanos shirt, a pork pie hat, and start adding “yeah bitch!” to the end of all your sentences. By wearing the clothes and repeating well-known references to the show, you will feel closer to Gus, Walt, and Jesse. It will be as if a small part of them are right there with you! Heck, even start wearing Skylar’s haughty, uptight expression if you really start to feel lonely.
3) Give yourself a cool nickname like Heisenberg, Crazy Eight, or Badger. No, do not just steal one from the show. Use your brain and make one up.
4) Get interested in science! Even if you just pretend to know what you are doing when you mix chemicals, throwing stuff together into test tubes will make you feel like a real life Walter White, you know, before he turned all drug- lordy…Yeah science, bitch!
5) While you are messing around with chemicals and stuff, why not actually go become a science teacher? Get your degree and then you could have the exact same job that Walt had. Think of how cool it would be to emulate your favorite television character all while getting paid! Just as long as you don’t become a meth cooker like he did…Seriously, DO NOT cook meth.
6) Initiate some (harmless) Heisenberg-esque plots. Play a joke on your pal by bugging his phone, or placing GPS on the vehicles of random “suspicious” people. Maybe spike some “bad guy’s” coffee to disorient them. They will not be quite on the same level as Walter’s ploys, with his poison cigarettes and simultaneous prison killings, but they may make you feel the same sense of deviousness you once felt while watching the show.
7) On second thought, that last one still sounds dangerous…don’t do that.
8) Get some blue rock candy, put it in a baggie, and voila! You are now the proud owner of a pack of Heisenberg’s infamous blue meth. Just make sure you don’t flash that around, because honestly if you are up to this point on the list, you may be more than just a fan and I would be seriously considering getting some psychological help. Also, don’t try to smoke it.
9) Hey! You know who went to see a shrink on the show? Marie! Although she is probably not your (or anyone’s) favorite character she was still a part of the show, and you want to live your life as close to the show as possible, right? So pick up that phone and call your closest available psychologist. Soon, just like Marie, you will be getting the help you need to get over this obsession!
10) You know what? It is totally okay that you may be going a bit crazy. Look at every character on Breaking Bad. It’s almost the end of the series and there is not see one single sane character left. Now you can join them in their insane universe, and maybe that will finally satisfy the gaping hole left in your heart (and I guess brain) when the show ended. Now you can finally be at peace my friend…Yeah bitch.